So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
