Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
