God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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