I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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