im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
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