Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
