Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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