I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Please don't give away my fajitas
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
