I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
