Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
