Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
