I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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