Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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