i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
