new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
