phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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