overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
