dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
