Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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