isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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