In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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