last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
