shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
