Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
