I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
