A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
