Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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