He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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