woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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