I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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