i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
