please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
