My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
