Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Randomize
