Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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