My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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