you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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