Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
