Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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