You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
