I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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