just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
