dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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