I met the friendliest cop last night
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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