and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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