I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
