he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just pee around me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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