Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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