He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
