i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
