Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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