Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
