I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
