Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
