you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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