i will never coherently bang her
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
