I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just want to make out with him forever
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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