Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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