I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I haven't been this sober since birth.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
