The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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