ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
